So, I've kind of taken a hiatus from this blog space for a while. I would like to go back to using Diet.ed as a tool and motivation for losing weight.
Where to begin? *sigh* A lot of people don't realize that dieting isn't just a fad. For some people, it's a lifestyle struggle. In the last few years, my yo-yo dieting has gone far out of my control and besides feeling extremely overweight, I've developed chronic illnesses and felt the worst in my life. This last summer I reached my heaviest and felt out of control. Since then I've considered many choices which has led me to visits to the Cleveland Clinic where I've met the nutritionist and psychologist.
Since this summer, I've been on a couple medications to help with various problems and changed some of my eating habits. Since my heaviest, I've lost 40 lbs to date. That would bring me back to about second semester my first year in college. I'm about 15-20lbs away from my heaviest in high school.
This winter break I thought I was doing well with my eating. I went to New York and did tons of walking around the city and felt great about my body. Well, better than I had this summer. I even met a guy through a friend and he's really cute. It was a lot of fun flirting with him, especially since I was wearing a new dress I'd gotten during my trip at Juicy Couture. I hope that next time I'm in New York, I'll be able to see him and I'll have lost some more weight by then.
During my new year's eve celebration in NYC, I also met a really great guy, Drew. Drew and I were able to bond and we talked about our struggles with weight. Drew has had trouble with gaining weight as I have had trouble losing weight. Of course, we both were envious of each other and thought the other looked good. I have a hard time thinking I looked ok, but I guess that's how he must feel about his own image. Although I have to say, at least buying clothes probably doesn't seem as embarrassing of an ordeal as other people might view my position.
If Drew saw what I wrote right now, he would probably be disappointed in me. That is not to say the least. One of the reasons I use to legitimize my feelings is because people do discriminate to a larger extent when it comes to larger people. I say this because my college peers write about me on our anonymous confessional site and I see words such as fat and ugly on it. My friends tell me I shouldn't take these things seriously, but any good friend would say that to make you feel better. Unfortunately, it still doesn't take away the fact that somebody had to think the words and associate it with my name and then they wrote about it. I know they're just words, but they're hurtful words. They're adjectives that really sting.
Right now I feel kinda crappy. I'm about to turn 22 in a few days and the last two days I've overeaten and felt more than just mildly uncomfortable. The earlier day, I ate so much I felt super uncomfortable and I drank so much water on top of feeling super full that I had to throw up because my stomach hurt so much. I would never consider throwing up on purpose (bulimia) but I definitely did it that day in order to empty out my stomach a little bit. My throat hurt so much the entire night and the next day. But if I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have been able to go to bed that night.
Well, I think I should try to establish some goals for the rest of this week. Tomorrow, I want to wake up at a reasonable time, go for a walk/bike ride and sweat for at least an hour. I'll eat some grapefruit, perhaps some egg whites and veggies. This weekend, although I'm having a party, I will limit my eating. I'll have a bit to drink but not too much. Hopefully we'll go clubbing because I really want to dance off some calories. I want to go back to school next week feeling better about myself.
