Aaaaahhhh!

I need to lose weight.

I was doing well with my goals but of course, I can't expect to do it all overnight. I cheated a little bit. I'm throwing in a new goal. No fast food. And no sweets.

I just finished baking a double batch of chocolate chip cookies yesterday.....

so yeah....

no more...

Gotta go to sleep. I've got work in the morning!

Oh Damn...

I just took a detour from my House marathon and chatted with an old friend online. He just finished becoming certified as a pararescueman. I'm really proud of him. He's probably going to be deployed to Afghanistan in January so I am really going to have hope for him and pray. I know I have neglected my religious upbringing (seems like most Catholics go through some phase) but I do believe that faith is important, especially because it can bring people together and offer hope and answer. It's not for everyone, I know. But I'm going to pray for him.

I'm also going to take some of his advice and work harder. I need to discipline myself. I've been really bad the last few weeks. I'm going to even admit because it will bring me humiliation but I've gone to Taco Bell twice in a row in the last two days. I feel really guilty now. Last time I weighed myself, I was still lighter since leaving Oberlin but I'm not making a greater effort to LOSE more WEIGHT.

I don't want to die young. I really don't. So I'm going to try harder. I'm going to establish some smaller goals. Baby steps. Taking PT's advice.

Today is November 23rd. In the next week, my goals will be:

1. No eating past 7pm. Only water.
2. Exercising for at least 30 mins a day. Even if it's just walking. Or vacuuming the house.
3. Cutting out white starches. So no more white rice. None of the pork buns my mom just made and steamed (I only ate one :P).
4. Eating a vegetable in every meal. Snacking on fruits. Making sure I eat more protein.
5. No more coffee. I'm kicking caffeine to the curb.

OK!!! Those aren't too bad right? I'll try with those small baby steps first.

Hello to my reader-less blog!

I've lost some weight! I've actually broken my former threshold (lighter than college days). I was super happy when I weighed myself this morning and I treated myself to a good high protein brunch made of egg whites, turkey and mushrooms scramble and a veggie/potato (i used half a regular potato!) stir fry. And I had a very small piece of whole grain bread. Good eh? After that I cleaned my car (this was long overdue)...I just need to wash it now. It was sort of an exercise. Right? I vacuumed and dusted and scrubbed. I definitely burned a sweat because it was above 80 degrees and just really warm today. But I'm not complaining. I'm sure Oberlin is already chilly.

After my car cleaning, I snacked on grapes on my movie date with my lovely boyfriend via phone. I know it wasn't very energy efficient since we had the same movie going on, on two separate computers and we were communicating via two separate cell phones. but what can a girl do when her baby is 2500 miles away? Anyway, it was fun :) At least the timing worked out. We finished the movie and Andrew had to go to the Adrian Fenty event so I just ended up cleaning. My mom is totally in clean mode. She's been really obsessed with getting our carpets steamed. I just wish we had hardwood floors. But I guess even with those, you need to wax and buff them.

Oh, Andrew was on CNN today. I'm super proud of him. Here's a link to a vid his sister uploaded onto fb if you want to see it. It's also on my fb under my posted items. Anyway here's the link: http://www.new.facebook.com/home.php#/posted.php?id=4300524&share_id=25625474732#s25625474732
I don't know if it will work. Let me know if you try. I love how fb still has 'new' in it's address. obviously, they realize people want to revolt on this stupid new design. it just forces me to look at more pages. arrggh.

all righty. here's to eating well in healthy ways. and to not just physical health, but mental/emotional.

21 more days until Andrew comes to California! Yay!

Last post for the night I swear!

I just wanted to put up some pics I took when I was driving across the country. Three in pictures in particular. Perhaps not coincidentally, they all took place in Utah. I have to say, I saw quite a few crosses (crucifixions) while driving in Utah, and maybe I was a little disillusioned from all of the driving but there were quite a few moments I thought all the telephone/electrical poles looked like religious paraphernalia, where i thought i was just seeing cross after cross. please tell me i'm just crazy. Anyhow, the subject of the last photo I thought was just beautiful. The tree juxtaposed against a salty blue landscape. It seemed surreal. That's Utah for you.

I spend way too much time on the internet. I don't have the time, money or software to build a ritzy site right now but I guess uploading some photography doesn't hurt. My profile pic is from a project last spring that I opted not to show because I felt conflicted (with all the social, racial, political implications)...but right now, I'm using it as my profile pic because I am feeling conflicted. At least photography makes me happy. That and Andrew. Like he even reads this. :P

BTW, it's approaching 3am, and I just grabbed some reduced fat cheese its. why do i do this to myself? I NEED TO STOP! no wonder my metabolism is shit.

From my last photography project in Spring 2008, on my own utopia:


Spring has sprung in Oberlin.

Sensuality...

Softly, Ian’s head rests against Sam’s chest. Sam’s heartbeat is calm, its moderate tempo soothing Ian while he slumbers peacefully.


Sexuality. Such tender hand holding, eye gazing. Sweet smiling.


SURPRISE! So how about I tip you over?


Sending off the boys of Summer.

I have no experience, i'm not smart, i'm obese and fat, and even though i have amazing friends, i'm hundreds, even thousands of miles away from them. how do i create myself and breath life into the crummy post-bac depression of a life i currently dwell in? god.

what is my whole purpose in life anyhow? i thought life was about pursuing dreams, goals, making positive changes in the community you live in, bringing about good in the world. but how am i supposed to even do that when i can't even get a job so i can pay bills and loans? I haven't felt so helpless before. Especially now that I'm supposed to have somewhat of a grip on life and better control. After all, I've got a college education right? Wrong. Even though I know that I'm learning new things everyday, knowledge just makes life more depressing. Ignorance really is bliss. Maybe going to college was just a waste of time and money. Getting a job and making money, and gasp, saving money (by going to a community college even!), would give me positive reinforcement at least, in my own abilities to provide for myself in a practical and pragmatic way. now i'm just useless. i have skills that i can't sell to others. i have satisfaction in my own personal creativity but why can't i capitalize on it? i'm just not cut out for this world. all the theoretical shit i learned in school can't be applied, at least i can't to my benefit.

*sigh* sorry for the rant. i hate when i take life so personally. it's kinda hard not to. i mean, don't i control the fate of my life? to some extent? maybe i don't, maybe i'm living in someone else's world. i'm just a pawn that's going to get sacrificed at some point for someone else's benefit and gain.

Aaaahh.......i want to be greedy. i want to do something that will solely benefit me for once. thats what i thought taking time off, concentrating on myself, my body would be. but it's so much harder done than said. there's so much frustrating emotional and physical crap. i desperately need to feel better about myself. i know, i can try to throw in images into my mind, people dying of horrible diseases or starving. Here I am, over-privileged fat American who is sitting on her couch complaining about how bad life is on her powerbook. they can spit on me. but that still doesn't take away from the fact *$(@#*@&$!*#()*()!@&(%!#%%.....ahhh...life.

You think I'll suffer major consequences for posting this rant someday? eh, whatever. I can dream of being important enough one day and having people actually snoop around, stalking me and caring about how crazy i am (so they can probably capitalize on it....smart people!!!). but whatever. I'm 22. I just finished college (how ironic I'm trying to legitimize this with what I was totally complaining about before). I'm allowed to be an angsty young person. AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

On a positive note, I went on basically what almost became a 5 hour bike ride today with Hannah. We biked to Sebastopol, had lunch, biked to downtown SR, Yogurt Farms, my mom's salon, and then to Hannah's house. And then I biked home. And ate a salad. Yum. Hopefully I'll have earned a pound in losses. Sometime this week. Fuck the human body and how it works.

By the way, I love all of my friends. And I love my bf. And I'm sorry you all have to put up with me!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

I ate! I had squash and say maybe half a cup of rice? I also had like 15 reduced fat cheese its. I'm trying right now. It's so hard. Thanks for understanding.

I kinda had a breakdown earlier this evening. I'm going to try to heed your words and advice, and take things gently, one at a time....

I feel like I'm only half complete, half full right now. Where's my other half?

Hello buddies! I talked to a number of you and y'all are going to support me in my continuous struggle to lose weight, eh? (Yessss, plugs to CK, Mama slut, miss foxalicious, dodo, samsam, shaney poo, j-dawg, curtissy, satoki, say-wong, HKH, mandy, megan, hanabanana, tessa, (Nancy)Drew and my baby buggums) Lol, did I just embarrass you all right there? And all of this web lingo is probably driving you nuts right?

Maybe, I should revert to more civilized, proper English. But aren't blogs supposed to have a certain air to them? Free-spirited, write (right? :D) whatever you want, however you want?

So, I've been home, in California for almost a whole week. What have I been doing since? Well, let's see...I've been super depressed about money and jobs. I've applied to places. I've become a vegetarian (over three days now!). Well, I still eat fish sauce and chicken broth, I just don't eat actual meat. I've been eating lots of and lots veggies. Some fruits. A modest amount of carbs...and I've lost the weight I gained in the last week of traveling, at the very least.

Right now, I'm having trouble convincing myself to finish some work for a professor, just because I'm so unmotivated and I'm not at Oberlin right now. But I guess I shall finish it up and send it to him so I can go on with my Obie-less life. I miss Oberlin so much. If only MK knew :) I had such good times this last year...

So I need to start a food diary again. It helped last time since I was doing the psych group counseling stuff.

Ok, I woke up this morning and had an apple with salt and chilli peppers (I know, bad!). And then I had a small potato with ketchup...what can I say, I was craving carbs :(

For lunch, I had a bowl of grapes, an egg white scramble with some cheese and salsa (2% cheese), and a cup of coffee....but then my dad called and asked me if I wanted to meet him for lunch, and even though I wasn't hungry, I wanted to seize the opp to see my dad since I never see him. I had (waaah) three spring rolls with tofu and a peanut sauce. And vietnamese iced coffee. I came home and had another bowl of grapes and some tea.

I better eat well during dinner. Hopefully not such fatty foods or too many carbs. Oh yeah, I had maybe 10 cheese its (reduced fat) this morning too. Can't discount that. gosh, I'm such a fATTY!!!!! jk! I've been doing a good job right? I've lost 67 lbs? almost 70 lbs? since my scary summer, last year....whew! plus, i want to lose 10 more lbs before i see my baby. even if he says i'm perfect already. well, i wanna be more perfect. ha ha.

oh yeah, i'm so ADD...jk. I've been bike riding every day. I decked out my bike with new lights, a lock, hand pump and new helmet. of course, now i'm super broke. gotta go jogging later today!

if you wanna be a support buddy or need a support buddy, holla back!

So, I've kind of taken a hiatus from this blog space for a while. I would like to go back to using Diet.ed as a tool and motivation for losing weight.

Where to begin? *sigh* A lot of people don't realize that dieting isn't just a fad. For some people, it's a lifestyle struggle. In the last few years, my yo-yo dieting has gone far out of my control and besides feeling extremely overweight, I've developed chronic illnesses and felt the worst in my life. This last summer I reached my heaviest and felt out of control. Since then I've considered many choices which has led me to visits to the Cleveland Clinic where I've met the nutritionist and psychologist.

Since this summer, I've been on a couple medications to help with various problems and changed some of my eating habits. Since my heaviest, I've lost 40 lbs to date. That would bring me back to about second semester my first year in college. I'm about 15-20lbs away from my heaviest in high school.

This winter break I thought I was doing well with my eating. I went to New York and did tons of walking around the city and felt great about my body. Well, better than I had this summer. I even met a guy through a friend and he's really cute. It was a lot of fun flirting with him, especially since I was wearing a new dress I'd gotten during my trip at Juicy Couture. I hope that next time I'm in New York, I'll be able to see him and I'll have lost some more weight by then.

During my new year's eve celebration in NYC, I also met a really great guy, Drew. Drew and I were able to bond and we talked about our struggles with weight. Drew has had trouble with gaining weight as I have had trouble losing weight. Of course, we both were envious of each other and thought the other looked good. I have a hard time thinking I looked ok, but I guess that's how he must feel about his own image. Although I have to say, at least buying clothes probably doesn't seem as embarrassing of an ordeal as other people might view my position.

If Drew saw what I wrote right now, he would probably be disappointed in me. That is not to say the least. One of the reasons I use to legitimize my feelings is because people do discriminate to a larger extent when it comes to larger people. I say this because my college peers write about me on our anonymous confessional site and I see words such as fat and ugly on it. My friends tell me I shouldn't take these things seriously, but any good friend would say that to make you feel better. Unfortunately, it still doesn't take away the fact that somebody had to think the words and associate it with my name and then they wrote about it. I know they're just words, but they're hurtful words. They're adjectives that really sting.

Right now I feel kinda crappy. I'm about to turn 22 in a few days and the last two days I've overeaten and felt more than just mildly uncomfortable. The earlier day, I ate so much I felt super uncomfortable and I drank so much water on top of feeling super full that I had to throw up because my stomach hurt so much. I would never consider throwing up on purpose (bulimia) but I definitely did it that day in order to empty out my stomach a little bit. My throat hurt so much the entire night and the next day. But if I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have been able to go to bed that night.

Well, I think I should try to establish some goals for the rest of this week. Tomorrow, I want to wake up at a reasonable time, go for a walk/bike ride and sweat for at least an hour. I'll eat some grapefruit, perhaps some egg whites and veggies. This weekend, although I'm having a party, I will limit my eating. I'll have a bit to drink but not too much. Hopefully we'll go clubbing because I really want to dance off some calories. I want to go back to school next week feeling better about myself.