I have no experience, i'm not smart, i'm obese and fat, and even though i have amazing friends, i'm hundreds, even thousands of miles away from them. how do i create myself and breath life into the crummy post-bac depression of a life i currently dwell in? god.

what is my whole purpose in life anyhow? i thought life was about pursuing dreams, goals, making positive changes in the community you live in, bringing about good in the world. but how am i supposed to even do that when i can't even get a job so i can pay bills and loans? I haven't felt so helpless before. Especially now that I'm supposed to have somewhat of a grip on life and better control. After all, I've got a college education right? Wrong. Even though I know that I'm learning new things everyday, knowledge just makes life more depressing. Ignorance really is bliss. Maybe going to college was just a waste of time and money. Getting a job and making money, and gasp, saving money (by going to a community college even!), would give me positive reinforcement at least, in my own abilities to provide for myself in a practical and pragmatic way. now i'm just useless. i have skills that i can't sell to others. i have satisfaction in my own personal creativity but why can't i capitalize on it? i'm just not cut out for this world. all the theoretical shit i learned in school can't be applied, at least i can't to my benefit.

*sigh* sorry for the rant. i hate when i take life so personally. it's kinda hard not to. i mean, don't i control the fate of my life? to some extent? maybe i don't, maybe i'm living in someone else's world. i'm just a pawn that's going to get sacrificed at some point for someone else's benefit and gain.

Aaaahh.......i want to be greedy. i want to do something that will solely benefit me for once. thats what i thought taking time off, concentrating on myself, my body would be. but it's so much harder done than said. there's so much frustrating emotional and physical crap. i desperately need to feel better about myself. i know, i can try to throw in images into my mind, people dying of horrible diseases or starving. Here I am, over-privileged fat American who is sitting on her couch complaining about how bad life is on her powerbook. they can spit on me. but that still doesn't take away from the fact *$(@#*@&$!*#()*()!@&(%!#%%.....ahhh...life.

You think I'll suffer major consequences for posting this rant someday? eh, whatever. I can dream of being important enough one day and having people actually snoop around, stalking me and caring about how crazy i am (so they can probably capitalize on it....smart people!!!). but whatever. I'm 22. I just finished college (how ironic I'm trying to legitimize this with what I was totally complaining about before). I'm allowed to be an angsty young person. AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

On a positive note, I went on basically what almost became a 5 hour bike ride today with Hannah. We biked to Sebastopol, had lunch, biked to downtown SR, Yogurt Farms, my mom's salon, and then to Hannah's house. And then I biked home. And ate a salad. Yum. Hopefully I'll have earned a pound in losses. Sometime this week. Fuck the human body and how it works.

By the way, I love all of my friends. And I love my bf. And I'm sorry you all have to put up with me!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!